Dear mum,

I tried to read more of your letters last night. I got through one half way and I couldn’t go any further. This was the one where you again needed to state some truths in order for us to get closure with each other. The problem was, all your truths came from your head, your interpretation of what you believed to be true. In your world there is only one truth, one reality; yours. And what scares me is the fact you seem to think that this is the first time I’m hearing it.

I’ve heard it all before. So many times I have lost count. So many times I’m weary of hearing the same words. Three years ago I flew home, just so you could have it out with me, just so you could get closure. Now three years on you are still saying the same things.

The Bible says that ‘the truth shall set you free’. If your truths are real, why then do I feel so oppressed by them? Why then do I feel lashed, whipped, every time you spout your truths?

“He has come to give you life, and life abundantly”

“Cast all your cares upon Him, for He cares for you”

“Come to Me all you who are weary and heavy laden, for my burden is light”

I read two pages on one of your letters and broke down in tears. Gut wrenching tears, not from conviction or guilt, but of despair – real despair, that this all you know, all you have in your life. Where is the joy that God promises? Where is the abundance of life? All there are in your letters is suffering, hurt, pain, vengeance, and I KNOW you don’t do it consciously or with the intention of causing harm – but this is the God you know. The God that you hold on to, seems to be the God of vengeance, or retribution, the God that didn’t send his OWN SON to die for us on the cross, that we may be free from all the shackles that you keep trying to place back around me.

You keep saying that sins against you equals to sins against God. I keep puzzling over this in my head, because one of the biggest risk that God took, and the most loving thing that He did, was give man free will. The right to choose their path.  I see this as the ultimate act of love, because God being all knowing, all seeing – He KNEW that giving us free will would lead to disobedience, to sin, to needing to send His own Son to the cross. Still He gave us free will, that we not be robots for all our existence. So by insisting that I obey you, listen to you, believe completely and utterly in your interpretation of God’s will and move in my life, are you not ripping away God’s gift of free will to me? Why then do I even need to have a relationship with God, if all I need is you because you know and understand His will for my life better than I do?

I believe in a different God, mum. I choose to believe in a different God. I choose NOT to believe in a God who would sacrifice His only Son for Audrey, only to then allow her 4 year old daughter to suffer from eczema as consequences for he mother’s sins against you. This is not the God that I serve, this is NOT the God I preach.